WIX Archives
Re: Evil Blimps
Posted by Scott WRG Editor on Sun Feb 15, 2004 01:07:53 PM
In reply top Evil Blimps posted by Chuck on Sun Feb 15, 2004 10:48:03 AM
ROTFL....
Anything that floats without visible means of support is obviously evil....
Scott
: This story was emailed to me with author unknown. I LMAO!
: so here you go:
:
:
:
: The horror of blimps
:
: Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy stor
: e and saw
: that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth,
: and it's a
: great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two p
: ropellors
: hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with heli
: um put
: batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp
: .
:
: I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs f
: or $60-$75.
: At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
:
: Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my d
: aughter and
: I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store
: , and last
: night we put the blimp together.
:
: Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloo
: n has like a
: 3 ft diameter.
:
: We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the
: propellors,
: and put in batteries.
:
: Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this
: putty that
: came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither ris
: ing nor
: falling.
:
: It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon an
: d made
: Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
:
: My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all ove
: r the house,
: terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the contro
: ls were so
: easy my daughter could fly.
:
: Let's face it, blimps are fun.
:
: Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to slee
: p. I left
: the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came h
: ome, and we
: went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
:
: At this point it is important to know that my house has ce
: ntral
: heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the g
: round floor
: and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of th
: e fact that
: heat rises.
:
: The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here em
: barked on a
: career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my cent
: ral heating,
: the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently
: through the
: living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike ov
: er the
: staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I
: lay sleeping
: peacefully.
:
: Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the gro
: und on
: invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.
:
: In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of
: it, I awoke.
: That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
:
: I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping s
: enses
: suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil o
: n converging
: on you.
:
: That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
:
: I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that ther
: e is a large
: levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with men
: acing intent
: through the maligant darkness.
:
: Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thin
: king that
: there are large sinister and menacing things floating out
: of the
: darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, l
: ook and
: listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back
: to sleep.
:
: So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all tha
: t unusual.
:
: On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a lar
: ge menacing
: presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I op
: ened my
: eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE W
: AS
: APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
:
: Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwar
: f in a
: security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoki
: ng a cigar
: with his feet up on the table, watching the security monit
: ors of my
: brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARG
: E SILENT
: SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he p
: ulled every
: panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full
: decade's
: allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all
: at once. My
: metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FI
: GHT FOR YOUR
: LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from
: twenty
: something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.
:
: I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that
: skepticism
: and science were mere psychological decorations and vaniti
: es. Deep in
: our alligator brains we all know that the world is just ch
: ock full of
: evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us,
: and it is
: only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know t
: his, too. It
: knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from
: out of the
: dark.
:
: When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival insti
: nct hits you
: all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasan
: t sensation.
:
: Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indist
: inguishable
: to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider do
: wn her dress
: (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of
: bed in my
: underwear.
:
: I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and a
: lmost fell
: over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon
: offers when
: you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength t
: hat sudden
: middle of the night terror produces.
:
: It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan whic
: h whipped it
: about the room at terrifying velocity.
:
: Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug
: and hurled
: it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking th
: e clock and
: putting a nice hole in the wall.)
:
: Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was figh
: ting the
: blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I di
: dn't truly
: and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-att
: ack.
:
: On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gag
: ged into the
: toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the
: reaction I'd
: had.
:
: Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely sle
: pt through
: the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart
: attack after
: all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which
: had somehow
: survived the incident.
:
: I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside whe
: re it
: floated around with the air currents released from the ven
: ts in there.
: I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to be
: d. About 500
: years later I fell asleep.
:
:
: ***
:
: At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis a
: nd wasn't
: aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evenin
: g, and that
: is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she
: approached.
:
: The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the clos
: et and the
: suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give
: the blimp
: the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight
: towards her.
:
: This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor alm
: ost, did I,
: as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated
: me to hide
: an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at
: 7 am.
:
: I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don
: 't think I
: will.
:
: Some blimps are better off dead.
: